I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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