mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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