I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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