the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
