he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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