the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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