I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
