Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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