I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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