I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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