my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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