My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
