mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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