Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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