Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
