I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you told grandpa to call you daddy
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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