so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
