If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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