I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize