I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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