You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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