We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
