I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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