Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
