I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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