Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
