She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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