just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
