I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I puked a lego.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
