I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
