Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
