I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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