you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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