I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
