how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
