Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
