Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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