I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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