My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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