The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
