ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize