My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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