life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
