I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
