and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
