He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
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