And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
