She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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