he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize