It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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