Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
