my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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