Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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