I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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