We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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