how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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