it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
