We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
