When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Randomize
