you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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